GIRL FRIEND CODES FOR CHRISTIANS

"...Not Easily Broken." (Ecc. 4:9-12)

Sisters keep approaching me about schisms they are seeing in the church among women.  They are really concerned about the lack of unity and quite frankly, genuine sister love they feel is missing among the saints.

Tossed in the mix are suggestions for another women's retreat, classes addressing female relationships or most frequently, a no-holds barred boot camp just for women! I can understand why.  They would love to experience the camaraderie (the sense of trust, loyalty, and goodwill) they've noticed in the men of our church after theirs.  I have to be honest....I've been resistant! 

Not because I don't feel it too or don't desire to see this type of spiritual growth but because I'm not yet convinced that we (women as a whole) are truly serious about making the change that I know will be needed to accomplish this: 

Complete honesty about our current struggles. Ceasing petty competition between ministries in order to curry favor with the pastor.  Continuing to speak and engage warmly with a sister even  when you disagree on a matter. Stopping the gossip and down talking of a sister behind her back and refusing to engage in spiritual bullying (lying, saying mean things about others on social media) and ostracizing a sister from social events by conveniently forgetting to invite them! 

All of the above violate in my eyes the Christian Girlfriend Code.  Just like popular culture, these are unwritten but known  codes of conduct adhered to by genuine sister-friends. They are put in place to preserve unity, to show support and love and to create a bond that cannot be broken...not even by a man!  To give you some examples, I've christianized six codes that I found online:

1.  Never cancel important girlfriend plans for a man (this has more to do with single life, but I see this applicable to Christian life as well.  How many times have you committed to support a church ministry function where a spiritual sister is expecting and counting on your attendance and a "hot date" or something more appealing to your fleshly desires conflict? How did you choose?

2. Confidential conversations between you and your girls remain so even to your man. This is a given, but probably one of the reasons good friendships are destroyed.  Women have a hard enough time with trust.  This is one reason.  Also, men...not even some husbands can truly understand the need for Sister friend relationships.  If you've got one they don't care for, telling him their business sure doesn't help.

3. Your girlfriend's "Ex" can't be your "Next".  Do I even have to comment on this one.  I've actually sat in a congregation with a man with two ex-wives. They handled it well but it sure made me uncomfortable!

4. If you come together, leave together. This too, happens in the church.  You go out of your way to pick up a girlfriend for bible study, meeting, concert and she hooks up with another friend, disses you and makes plan with them to go somewhere afterwards leaving you to drive home alone.

5. Siding with or speaking ill of a girlfriend's spouse or boyfriend is taboo.  Whenever you're tempted to criticize your friend's significant other opt to pray for the situation.  Even if she's inviting you to put your two cents in.

6. Be the type of friend that you want. This is actually straight from the Word of God.  Some call it the Golden Rule, Matthew 7:12 but it is backed up by all of the scriptural love principles. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 expresses my sentiments about sister to sister relationships.  We are so much better together than we are apart. "Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if one falls, one will lift up his companion.  But woe to him who is alone  when he falls for he has no one to help him up.  Again, if two lie down together will keep warm; but  how can one be warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.  And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

 We do need a change but let's first see if we can get past the damage that the violations of the above girl friend codes have done.  

Until Next Time...

A Cry From My Younger Self

Lord, how did I get here?

The wisdom, I'm learning in growing older is that I have very little room to criticize and pooh pooh the decisions some younger women are making. Where once I was one of those who hesitated to publicly express my dismay over the stupidity of my young kinswomen who although beautiful and educated still succumbed to what Iyanla Vanzant calls, the Person, the Penis or the Promise; in private I readily castigated my scorn!  I repented however, after taking a look at my younger self.  I did some stupid stuff myself. I guess I just had to keep on living, like the elders used to say.

That's why I was moved with compassion when I checked in on a young woman who I've unofficially taken under my spiritual wing!  I hadn't heard from her in a while but have always been grateful to her for she and others were the inspiration behind me writing this blog!  Always seeking fresh insight into the world of young Christian singles, I asked if she had any topics she wanted me to share. She responded that she'd like to see one on: Godly women dating worldly men!

Hummmm, this might take awhile I thought. But maybe some of you (my readers) might weigh in on the subject for some objectivity.  Use the comment section at the end of this blog!  Until I hear from you though let me just share these theories:

GOOD GIRLS ARE ATTRACTED TO BAD (Worldly) BOYS BECAUSE---

1. They like a man who can take care of himself and in retrospect this makes them feel more secure.  Women want to feel safe and protected.  We want to know that if something or someone threatens our homes or well-being our man will be able to handle it!  We assume that a worldly man has the inside track on this and will rise to the occasion if needed.  Confidence in a man is very attractive and security is a very important emotional need for a woman. From the Garden man was made to be woman's protector so we seek out those types of men. (Gen. 2:23-24; Ephes. 5:28)  

2.  Godly women love a missionary project! We really believe we can make a flawed man better just by loving him! We are by nature, nurturers.We care, tend, and try to bring out the best in those we love. We see good qualities in a man we're interested in and believe that God will empower us to to save his soul....not for God's glory but for our own selfish needs. Why would God go through all that trouble and put you through the mess when He tells you to wait until He sends your Boaz to you? ( 2 Cor. 6:14) 

3. We love a man with a little edge...a sense of adventure.  We find worldly men more stimulating than a man who seems stuck in a rut.  Some godly women are also risk takers. They will often choose men who are their spiritual opposite just to provide some excitement in their relationship. But one must remember that when the "thrill is gone"...the consequences remain and the flesh is very hard to satisfy.  Like the elusive high...you might find yourself chasing that same sense of adventure and never quite reaching it. 

4.  Godly women can get comfortable with what is familiar.  This is especially so for women who are new in their faith.  They have not yet learned about or accepted their own God-worth and have lowered their standards for a man for so long that they keep returning to the same old, stagnant well of love, to quench their thirst. It is  important to take time to really invest in yourself spiritually before putting yourself out there in a relationship.  Worldly men love godly women. You are a conquest for them. If he can turn you away from your biblical principles he has won a priceless trophy...but you are left with the Booby prize!


You may question:  If dating worldly men is so bad, why does God  keep putting them in my path?  The answer is easy.  God never tempts us but He often tests us.  He is testing your faith in Him to supply your every emotional need. Your patience to endure and Your wisdom to discern what is good in order to gain what is best. You have to pick through a lot of bad apples some time before you find that perfect one. (James 1:2-4) 

Hang in there Sisters!  If you've flunked God's test....brush yourself off and try again...He will always give you a DO OVER!

Until Next Time,

GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS, The Final Solution

"In my integrity you uphold me and

 set me in  your presence forever."

(Ps. 41:12)

Sexual integrity, the topic of my past two posts is not just for the young.  I find it necessary to clarify that, since there may be some  seasoned saints reading who feel they can sit in judgement.

If you are of a certain age, you might recall that sociologists call the "60s" a pivotal point in the Sexual Revolution of the twentieth century.  It was the time that gave birth to Hippies, Rock and
 Roll, wide use of Drugs,  Free Love, and of course, The Birth Control Pill!

Younger folks may not realize it but there's another sexual revolution taking place and wouldn't you know it, it's finding a niche in the sixties too.  No, not the 1960s but among men and women in their sixties and even older.  Millennials and younger tend to look at their parents and grand parents and can't imagine that this is an issue.  Baby, you'd be surprised whose kicking sheets these days!

One 2012 survey reports that 80% of 50-90 year olds are sexually active.  There are over a dozen brands of Viagara-like pills on the market.  Cougars (older women) are on the hunt for younger and more virile men who can keep up with them sexually.  And of course its no surprise that 
 STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) are on the rise in the 50+ age group.   So, yes we need to have a sexual integrity talk with seniors.   Here's why:

Many seniors are lonely, even going online (Our Time website is an example) trying to find love, the second time around.  Some are still in reasonably good health, have buried their mates and seek companionship because they fear growing older alone! Let me warn you folks who are considering re-marriage.  Blood tests may not be required any more but you might need to know your soon-to-be spouses past sexual history!

 Like younger people, they too can find themselves in Hook-up situations. Some couples married for years and years are in counseling right now because one or the other partner experienced a Mid-life crisis, separated for awhile and had an affair or used it as a time of sexual experimentation (sex clubs, prostitutes even going on the down-low).

Integrity, sexual or not has to do with your character.  It is the person you really are deep in your heart and it has no age limitations.  A lustful unregenerate heart must be transformed just like any other.  I'd like to end this series with some words of wisdom from a Christian counselor I listen to frequently on the radio, June Hunt, Hope for the Heart. She loves acrostics too!  Add these to the scriptures I've discussed in earlier posts:

I-nvite others into your struggles.  A wise mentor or friend (Ecc. 4:9-10)
N-ever put yourself or others in tempting situations.  Know your triggers (Prov. 6:27)
T-rust God to meet your needs for love (Ps. 84:11)
E-njoy others instead of using them (Rom. 12:9-10)
G-ive yourself only to sex in marriage (Heb. 13:4)
R-efuse to justify bad behavior. Commit to purity (Matt. 26:41)
I-solate yourself from people who tempt you. (I Cor. 15:33)
T-ransform your mind through the Word (Ps. 119:11)
Y-ield to Christ who lives in You not your own ability (Gal. 2:20)

 TRI-Weekly (Three times a week)
 TRY weekly (At least one time a week)   OR
 TRY weakly (Do the best you can)

Sex within marriage is an expression of God in His Unity and One-ness of the Spirit.
Enjoy it as long as you can, but above all KEEP IT SACRED...It is indeed a Holy Trust!!


  

GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS, Part Two, Our Sexual Environments

                  SAM in my Pants Commercial
Last week I challenged readers to put God's gift of sexual intimacy in its proper place, the marriage bed of  committed, and loving couples.  Our culture has exploited human sexuality for its own selfish gains and in the meantime contributed to the continuing demoralization of our society.  

Sex has been used to sell everything from shampoo to cadillacs and each year advertisers push us closer and closer to the edge of total moral depravity.  There appears to be nothing off limits.  An example is the Poise feminine products commercial above.  It is not only distasteful but degrading in the way that it takes a perfectly normal function of the female body and with provocative innuendos turns it into a sexual conversation between two women.

As Christians we find ourselves in somewhat of a dilemma, in that we are in the world, but not of it (John 17:6). How you may ask can we stay holy in such an unholy environment?  How do we protect our children from sexual predators (male and female) who masquerade as teachers, mentors, and ministry workers?

 I was a bit surprised when 34 year old Mary Kay Latourneau was convicted of having sex with her 12 year old student back in 1997.  She went to jail twice had a baby by him and they later married.  But since then there have been at least a dozen similar cases. All females preying sexually on teen boys!

I was less surprised with the popularity of the book, Fifty Shades of Gray. A novel that graphically describes sexual scenes that include perverse activities such as the use of whips and other forms of sexual domination.  I guess a movie is in the making now and the only protests I've heard so far are from women who are disappointed that full frontal nudity of men will not be included! What do you want to bet that it will be a movie blockbuster!!

Ladies, our sexual integrity is at stake! Just as sexual language influences our character; sexual environments can shape our behavior!  THAT IS, IF YOU ALLOW NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENTS TO DOMINATE YOUR THINKING!

Romans 12:2 admonishes Christians not to be conformed (shaped) by this world but have our minds transformed and renewed.  This action precedes what I believe is our safety net against prevailing sexual language and dangerous sexual behavior. God's word it says will prove without a shadow of doubt, what is His will! And what is that will?  Read the following:    
   

"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality" (I Thessalonians 4:3)   

Yes, it's that easy.  Abstain means to hold ones self away from.  To maintain your sexual character.  Keeping it real... it means that you do an ongoing  sexual self-check! 

SOME SEXUAL ENVIRONMENTS:

--MOVIES - Married or unmarried, stay away from sexually explicit movies (ex:  Magic Mike), music videos, etc.  They excite the emotions and make you vulnerable to sexual sin!  
For some women, sex is just like a drug!  This is especially so, if you have been sexually active in the past.  Loneliness creeps in and you long for social intimacy, which can be quite harmless...but some how if not careful can turn into sexual intimacy!  Find other ways to fulfill these needs for companionship.  Keep yourself busy, don't isolate yourself, participate in group activities, physically exercise routinely to help expend some of that energy.

--EROTICA
Be careful of sexual fantasies!  Pornography for females  is called erotica. Although God has given all of us imagination, the Enemy will often oppress us with dreams and thoughts of a sexual nature. Many of the popular shows we watch are nothing more than soft porn. They fall short of showing the complete sex act!  Bring every thought captive to the will of God.  

--OLD ASSOCIATIONS.  Those you hung out with before you were saved should not be your companions today.  (I Corinthians 5:9-11).  You're sanctified now, (separated) from old habits.  You may think you're strong enough to handle the club scene, and party atmosphere but why take the chance. The flesh has a long memory!

--ONLINE CHAT ROOMS OR DATING SITES
I can't tell you how dangerous it is to make connection with virtual strangers.  All types of people have computers and they're looking for women who have no life!  Weak willed and lonely. They will lure you with what you want to hear and then trap you in order to use you.


Fill your time and your mind with God's Word!  It will help you keep your priorities straight (Matthew 6:33).   Ask God for the filling of the Holy Spirit daily.  He has the power to give you supernatural self-control and enables your ability to be content without fulfilling sexual urges.

REMEMBER: Before we can encourage our young people to stand against the pervasiveness of unbiblical sex, we've got to model it ourselves.  We cannot do so if we talk one game and live another!

Until Next Time!

GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS: Part One - Our Sexual Language

Call me Tardy to the Party, but I just caught the re-run of Iyanla Fix My Life episode about the man with 35 children by 17 women! I binged watched the whole thing...including the two follow-up shows in one night.  The latter shows exposed five more brothers who all together had fathered 87 children with 50 women. The result: a legacy of pain and shame for all and 
the children becoming the real victims!

I can't tell you the emotional roller coaster this put me on.  From shock and disbelief to  extreme sadness.  With all the talk about sexual freedom and making contraception readily available, even in our schools it seems that some men and women are no smarter or responsible sexually than in my day!

 Back in the Stone Age when I was young, talking about sex was grown folks business!  Sure, girls got pregnant before marriage but rarely more than once without the baby's father marrying them.  We knew that Sister So and So's last baby looked nothing like Bro. So and So.  Yet nobody said a word, at least not out loud, thinking what it might do to the child!  There was a bit of integrity it seems even among sinners.  Not any more!

Sex is no longer grown folks business.  I wish it was.  I wish we could wait to talk to our daughters about it.  But  the world has forced our hands.

 Sexting, child pornography, date rape and violence is rising.  Erectile Dysfunction and sexual enhancement lubricant ads air throughout the day.  Music videos, movies, cartoons, reality and talk shows are sexually explicit.  Where do you draw the line?  Perhaps with the language we so freely use!

Life and death is in the power of the tongue, those who love it will eat its fruit  (Prov. 18:21)

Sex within marriage is a precious and delicate gift of God (Gen. 1:26).  Our bodies are sacred temples ( I Cor. 6:19-20) reserved for our God-appointed spouse.  We are cheapening both by reducing them to mere playthings for others or pleasure palaces for degenerate minds.

Marva Dawn, female theologian tells us that Language Influences One's Sexual Character.  Our character encompasses our view of Self, our Environment, and ultimately our Behavior.   Take this short quiz.  Do you know the meaning of these words or phrases?

--Booty Call                  --Vejayjay
--Hook Up                    --Back dooring
--B.O.B.                        --Chicken Head
--Down Low                 --Baby Mama
--Get Ya Freak On      --Giving Up the Gold

I bet your young daughters do! (These are pretty mild,  some online, I just couldn't put out here!...disgusting).  When we use or allow others to use off color sexual language in our presence, even as a joke, we are teaching them that women and their bodies have no value. 

 This pejorative language lessens the humanity of the person referred to.  Is it any surprise then that if a girl is referred to over and over as a Bitch, Ho, and Tramp that she eventually becomes one?  That if we glamorize scantily dressed females lap-dancing rappers in music videos that women see their sexuality as a means to fame and prosperity. 

The fruit we are eating referenced in Proverbs 18:21 may well be those fifty broken women who allowed the men on Iyanla's show to use them!  Perhaps somewhere in their emotionally confused minds they were okay with using their body as sexual bargaining chips for the attention and love they so desperately seek!  

It's time for us to take Sex out of the street, off the internet and into the church, so our youth can get the truth about their sexuality. Grown Folks Business can bring Grown Folks Problems, so yes, sex outside of marriage is FORNICATION,  Living together unwed is a sin not mere COHABITATION.  Homosexuality is an ABOMINATION before God not a LIFESTYLE. 

 Let's start putting power in our tongues and not Cheap Speech that's deluding our children all the way to hell!  That's Biblical Sexual Language!

Next Week:   Our Sexual Environment